Really?

Dear Background Checkers/Drug Testers:

Hi there. My name is Meredith Evans and I was ready in May to start my new job. I understand the importance of background checks and drug tests. I think it is a good thing to know as an employer if your future employee is a drug addict or a serial killer. From the documentation provided, you see that I am 22 years-old. My background consists of living in two different places and a couple of credit cards. There is also a lack of violence, I tend to be a peaceful person. My dependence on drugs or alcohol is zero, as my drug test will feature.

So why is that it's been over a week since all this information was submitted and yet, I STILL can't start my job?

When you have an answer, please respond accordingly. And hurry: I may have to start a dependence on drugs to get me through the next few days of not being able to work.

Sincerely,
"Employed-But-Not-Working-And-Would-Like-To-Know-When-I-Can-Start" Meredith Evans