Sorry Summer

In May I moved in with my love (and his roommate) downtown. My credit card was under control. We made a list of all the things we wanted to take advantage of in our fair city. Then I got fired. I went home to Indiana for a week. We did some things here and there. I cleaned a lot. I made the decision to go to cosmetology school. I started July 26th. One week in, I got a high fever that lasted for 12 days. Turns out I probably have mono. One more week of rest and I'll be tiredly making my way back to school. But having that one week of my own things outside the house, and then having it 'taken away' for another 3 weeks put me over the edge. 

After crying and yelling for the last 3 months about how life isn't fair and how I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and how living with 2 dudes is less than stellar, he finally told me that he wouldn't complain with me. That I've complained about the same things all summer, but he wouldn't join me in my pity party. I didn't even realize I was throwing one.

I've apologized a lot this summer. All my frustrations have been taken out on the person who loves me no matter what, which is what happens when you live in close quarters. And after I yell and cry, I apologize for being a basket case. But it never occurred to me that my usually sunny disposition has had a dark cloud over it since the beginning of June. 

So how did I spend my summer, really? Did I have fun? Sure. But did I spend the majority of it feeling like a total loser who didn't deserve any fun? You bet. Did you know you can like where you live, and then after 3 months of being cooped up, absolutely hate it? I mean, what did our apartment ever do to me, except give me a roof over my head? I even sunk so low as to start blaming other people for my lack of having a life.

I'm a firm believer in being in charge of your own life - you can make the best of any situation. This summer, I didn't. I tried. I put on a smile. But underneath I just angrier and angrier. And then getting sick, to the point of not even being able to do anything, was the icing on the cake. 

Now that I realize how crabby I've been at home, I think it's time for an attitude adjustment. I think it's time to be ok with splurging on a yoga class or a facial, or new shoes. Not every week, but treating myself to things I enjoy is ok. I'm always encouraging others to treat themselves well and to take care of themselves. The bottom line is that I haven't taken care of me the way I need to be taken care of. How bad does that suck when you realize it's you, and not the world making you miserable? 

Unfortunately I wasted a summer being angry and sad (with a recurring dream about my old job, that couldn't have helped). But it's time to seek out the things I've wanted to take advantage of in this city that make me happy. No one else can do that for me. 

And I'm tired of apologizing. So perhaps instead of letting all my stress out on the person who truly makes me happy every day, maybe I'll take my stress out in a yoga class or jog session throughout the week. I know relationships have their ups and downs, and we'll have more. But I need to remember to take care of myself the way I love to take care of the other person. 

We're going to Boston this weekend to see my college friends get married. We're staying at a b&b near the Mayflower in Plymouth. We're looking forward to relaxing, the ocean, good food, and good friends. And lobster. :) 

Here's to end of summer smiles and less sorries.

What Relaxation feels like...I think.

I'm helping my parents out this week while they are out of town on business/vacation. Normally when I'm at my parents house, I'm tensely waiting to go back home for whatever work is waiting for me. But this time, I think I'm doing what most would call "relaxing." Here's how I know: 

*I'm not annoyed whatsoever by the dog waking me up by 7:30am. When he wants to hang out in the yard for awhile, I'm happy to hang out with him. And any time he comes to me, I immediately tend to his needs. All of this sounds normal, but before now I was always in a hurry with him and always made him wait for me to finish whatever I was doing. 

*My girlfriends came over yesterday. We sat outside all afternoon with the dog. I had no concept of what time it was, and I was perfectly happy to just go with the flow. When we were hungry, we ate. I had crab legs for the first time (YUM). We went for a drink last night to one of my favorite college bars and were happy to call it a night by midnight. Again, I didn't even bother worrying what time it was, or what time the dog woke me up this morning.

*I'm taking care of things around my parents house that I typically would roll my eyes at or do only because they wanted me to. Perhaps it's because as an adult, you lose the 'tude with the parents. But I think it also has to do with the fact that I currently don't feel like people are asking the world of me during the week, so doing things around my parents house doesn't phase me. And it gives me breaks between readings and Gilmore Girls episodes. 

*I think I just now realized how much work my parents have done with their yard. By walking the yard with the dog, I see they've done a ton of landscaping, put in a beautiful patio, and have potted plants everywhere that make it feel like an outdoor sanctuary. Mind you, I've been to parents house in the last couple of months when all of this was completed. Obviously my brain was distracted. 

*Lastly, I don't feel bad taking my time to get things done. Cleaning, cooking, visiting, walking the dog, reading outside: no time constraints. I don't feel bad for not checking the time every so often because right now it doesn't matter. It's kind of like vacation, except for me I currently don't have a job to go back home to, which makes me relax for real. Honestly, I'm not so heartbroken about it. 

I was a little afraid that being alone for so many days with the dog would drive me a little crazy. Not that I don't check in with the BF each day, or text with people, but just the idea of being alone in my parents house with no cable was kind of nerve-wracking. Now that I'm here (and have activities planned each day anyway) I'm using my quiet time to listen to what I really want in my next venture. And I think getting away from my Now Home to my Then Home is a great way to check-in with myself and get away from the craziness of the city we live in. I never thought I'd appreciate the quietness, the woods, and the fresh air at Mom & Dad's the way I do right now. Funny how that works...

awake is the new sleep, so Wake Up.

I'm newly unemployed. 6 days in. 

I won't go into details here, mostly because it's not a great feeling to talk about and I don't like to air my dirty laundry on the internet (unless someone REALLY deserves it...well, no, I still wouldn't put it on the internet). 

I will tell you that I've been on a search for the next thing - whether it's a new job or education I've yet to determine. Now that I don't have a job tying up my days, when I'm not feeling sorry for myself (usually the morning, when everyone else is getting ready to serve a purpose for society that day) I'm allowing myself to take some time to figure out what's important to me. 

After college, we hear a lot about a "5 year plan". Some go as far to create a 10-year plan, but for most the 5-year looks a little something like: get job - maybe get married - stay with company to get promoted - buy house with new promotion money - have kids (if applicable). You get the picture. Everyone's is different, but very similar in the career department. 

So what happens when you bounce around careers and nothing happens? Maybe not nothing, but you feel like you're not making any headway? I'm 3 years in to my 5 year plan and I've yet to come close to any type of promotion, let alone save enough to get a house in the next couple of years. What happens when you realize that the path you've been on (or paths) has you led you to....nowhere?

I have some things in the works, but nothing definite. In fact, this is the first time since college I feel like I don't have a plan. And I'm relieved. Is it stressful being unemployed? The short answer is Yes. But here is my to-do list for the next couple of weeks: 

Get a massage. 

Get hair done. 

A couple of meetings for potential job leads. 

Write when I want. 

Indiana for a few days. 

Walk the city to learn the neighborhoods. 

Yoga. 

And of course, apply for jobs. 

I have rent money in the bank for next month, and I'm working on some babysitting gigs to hold me over for a little while. But I think focusing on the things that make me happy is also important. Don't get me wrong, my confidence is at an all-time low any given day. The recovery process will take some time, but sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to dive in and rediscover who we really are. I'm seizing this wake-up call as the opportunity I needed to find me again. 

This post's title is a Ben Lee song called "Whatever it Is."

Life Reminders

A recent article assignment led me to meet some Lafayette-enthusiasts. On this particular day, it was a dreary morning and my lovely cup of coffee just wasn't doing the trick. All I could think was, 'if I was in Florida right now, I would be waking up to sunshine and way happier about it.' Lucky for me, I was on my way out the door to chat with a few women who promote Lafayette to the masses.

It was a Monday morning, which is typical to find people less-than-chipper. But when I walked into this particular establishment, I felt nothing but excitement for the week ahead. Every one of the ladies I talked to (5 in total) was happy to talk to me and gush about our little corner of the world. They reminded me of the quaint, yet busy, downtown that's booming with activities every weekend. They reminded me of the outdoor recreation we have thanks to parks, trails, and festivals. They reminded me that the university provides decent sporting events at the right price. All in all, it was a great reminder of why I moved home.

I've wanted to live in downtown Chicago since I can remember, and that dream hasn't gone away. But that doesn't mean that I shouldn't buck-up and appreciate where I live and the fact that I have great friends and family nearby. And the beauty of living closer to family and friends means I can spend my future vacations visiting those warmer places instead of coming home.

Would it have been fun to go to Indy or Chicago to go out with friends? Sure. But instead, I spent this weekend taking my dogs to one of the parks and strolling around the outdoor Pre-Thanksgiving Market. And after 5 days of rain, it was the perfect way to enjoy a gorgeous November weekend.

Isn't funny how life sends you friendly reminders about why you're where you are?

Clicking my ruby slippers

I'm quitting my job.

That's no typo. The job I was so excited to have 10 months ago is the same job I'm officially leaving on the 14th. (Enter WTF?!?! moment here)

Last year, I arrived with the intention of figuring it out. I wanted to work at Disney. That didn't work. I worked at a bar and did some writing. Then JA offered me a great position to work hard to help kids. The writing has continued through all of my ventures. I've contributed to fashion and women's health publications and have loved every minute of it. But the thought of having to put it on the back-burner when my schedule is hectic during the school year wasn't sitting well with me. My work load lessened a bit this summer, allowing me to really take time to reflect on my life here. In the spring, I was getting the feeling that Florida wasn't the place for me and that I wanted to get out, but at the time I was prepared to just wait it out. Then this summer, I had an AHA! moment.

I want to work in the fashion industry. I want to write about it. It fascinates me on a daily basis. I love talking to designers. I love watching trends. I love sharing my observations with the masses. My favorite part of the past two years has been my writing. So, after some soul-searching, I've come to a conclusion. I'm not happy here, so I need to make a change. I'm also broke, and will be broke for quite some time if I stay here. So what's my next move?

I'm moving home. Yeah, I never thought I'd say that, either. I'll be working for an Aveda salon utilizing my customer service skills, marketing creativity, and genuine interest in health and beauty. I'll be continuing my web column, which will concentrate on trends in Indianapolis. I'll be pursuing other writing endeavors in Indianapolis and Chicago. And most importantly, I'll be closer to the friends and family I've missed during my time being over 1,000 miles away.

As my grandmother said, I gave it the old college-try. I came down here to figure things out, and I have. This will be a big change, but a needed change. And while I know I'm leaving behind a wonderful community of people, I know that my path is headed in the best direction for me.

I'm nervous. I'm a little sad. And I can't wait to go home.

Not going to the chapel

Indiana was great. I'm glad to be back in Florida.

I loved being with my family every day. It gave me the feeling of being a kid again; carefree and playing all day. I spent ample time with friends I hadn't seen in ages, which again provided the carefree feeling, only college-style. Needless to say, I spent plenty of time at Harry's. :)

The end of my vacation was spent bridesmaiding, as I like to call it. Typically I love weddings. I love the dresses, the flowers, the food selection, the music played, the toasting, everything down to the table settings. This wedding was fun, but it made me second-guess my big-wedding-dreams.

I've now stood-up in 3 weddings. And no matter what colors, dresses, and food were chosen, they all have one thing in common: they're kind of a pain in the ass.

I love the whole idea of the wedding. When I have that special someone to spend the rest of my life with, I want to celebrate that with close friends and family. However, spending a year and a half planning for the day of the celebration seems to be more work than it's worth. Yes, you make beautiful memories. But I've come to the conclusion that a wedding brings out the worst in people and can be hell for your family. All the stress and running around and planning now gives me a headache, whereas before I couldn't wait for it to be my turn to run around for my princess-day. Now I see that whether or not you like your future in-laws doesn't matter because there will be some sort of drama with them when it comes to the wedding. There's usually enough drama with in-laws without a wedding, isn't there? Sure, everyone gets along fine after the vows are complete, but was it worth the months of arguing and stress?

My point for all this is not to say that I'm against all weddings and plan to never again attend one. I still like going to them, especially if there's good music and an open bar. I think this was another experience leading me in the direction of the person I'm becoming. Just don't be offended if I invite only my parents and sister to a wedding ceremony on the beach. I'll still want to have a fun party somewhere to celebrate with the rest of my peeps; it might just be at a local wine bar or something instead of a banquet hall.

Back Home Again

It's been a reflective couple of weeks.

I'm realizing that I like my job, but I don't want it to become my life. I want to have a life outside of work. I want to be able to come home at the end of the day and de-stress, not worry about what happened or what's to come tomorrow. My social network is very important to me outside of work. I don't want to become the 9-5 drone who gets up at 5:30am, works out, goes to work, comes home, goes to sleep, and repeats this process 5 days a week. I'm learning that it's all a balancing act, and that when something gets unbalanced, it throws you for a loop.

My job has been...frustrating. I'm learning from the mistakes I didn't know I was making at the time I made them. I'm learning that I can't please everyone. I'm learning that I am only one person, and that unless I do or think about JA 24-hours a day, there are things that just have to wait until tomorrow. I felt myself turning into a drone, and a cranky one at that. Work was seeping into my car, my apartment, and therefore my free time. And I'm sorry, it's just not worth it.

I need things to be somewhat organized (though looking at my office you would never guess). I need structure, but couldn't quite figure out where that structure was needed in terms of my job. Over the last month, I have allowed anyone and everyone to use my time the way they needed to, which is fine. I work for a non-profit; I can't refuse everyone because I'm tired one day. But, that doesn't mean that I should be catering to everyone's wants and needs. There need to be boundaries. And guess what? I can create them.

I can create schedules to keep me and everyone on task. I can say "NO" because my expectations weren't met. I can feel not-guilty for setting rules and deadlines that someone might not like. There's a reason for rules: it helps us avoid chaos. In my case, it will take less pressure off of me and my volunteers, which I think is a win-win situation if you ask me.

So, my recent revelation of having standards and deadlines was put to the test this week. I'm leaving this Saturday to go to Indiana until the 24th, which means there isn't time for people to argue with me and my rules. And it's actually been working! I'm not mean, just very to-the-point about my schedule. I'm learning that many people just don't do well with having a lot of options. If you give them fewer options, then usually they make a decision quicker (or you can make it for them). Nothing has backlashed yet and most things are in place for next week while I'm gone. Now, tomorrow will be a freaking busy day, but it probably would have been even if I wasn't leaving on Saturday. And when I get on the plane on Saturday, I am confident that nothing will collapse while I'm gone. I don't need to feel so important that I can get away for a few days. Yes, it's a week of work, two of the days being event days. But, I am not the Lone Ranger, and the weight of the world is not on my shoulders. These events will happen and they will be as successful as they can be, with or without me. And I was able to make sure everything was as in-place as I could make it.

Am I tired? Hell yes. A good tired, though. An accomplished tired.

I'm going home to stand-up in a wedding. In between wedding-related events, I plan to hang out with my sister, read a couple of books, and play with my dogs. I have some lunch things planned, but that's about it. A week of nothing but relaxing with friends and family.

I never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to go home to Indiana.

Crazy/Beautiful: Life as I know it

I typically feel grateful and lucky each day about my life. Not necessarily all day every day, but at least once a day I think to myself "Wow. My life is pretty awesome."

I pretty much felt this way all week until my Purdue memories came creeping back. One of my best friends came down for a visit. She was at one time the roommate of another best friend who lives in Tampa, so the three of us made sure to spend plenty of time together. And let me tell you: I don't laugh as hard as I did this week except with my sister.

These two phenomenal women came to my apartment last weekend and we shopped, ate key lime pie, watched The Hills, and just hung out. The crazy things we talked about had us keeled over in laughter. Then our visitor and I went to Tampa to have dinner with the third musketeer on Thursday. Between my shoe getting caught on the deck at Bahama Breeze and our crazy waiter who lingered too long in silence before saying anything, we were in tears of laughter on the drive home. Then, the visitor and I said goodbye. It was almost tearful and I couldn't figure out why. Brief background on this visitor: she became my rock after a difficult break-up and we've basically been BFF ever since. We even traveled Europe together. So, as I was driving home from dropping her off and wishing her well on her travels back to Indiana, all these memories came rushing back. I realized I missed the convenience of having my best friends a few blocks away. This turned into missing my family who is normally 20 minutes away. Then it was missing the comfort of all things familiar in Lafayette, IN: something I thought I would NEVER say. So what could I do to get myself out of this sadness? Move closer to my family? Make all my friends move back to Purdue?

Nope. As much as I've known my life has changed (just by 1,000 miles or so), it took having two best friends within a 60-mile radius for me to realize that ALL our lives are changing. Every day. There's not a whole lot we can do about it and things will never be as they were. This isn't a bad thing, of course. We're growing up; things evolve because that's what life does whether or not you want it to. We're not college students, but working adults who are trying to figure out how to live the best way we can. And when I think about all the cool things I get to do on a daily basis, that's when I can pull myself out of the sadness and say "aren't I lucky to have friends and family who, no matter what, love and support me?"

This week at work I met some incredible people. They were truly inspiring to talk to. We shared values and ideas that made me feel so excited to be meeting people with such similar mindsets as my own. These were people who want to change the world like I do. These are the characters I should be adding to my life story: people who will encourage me and join me in making a difference. Whether it's big or small, I think I'm forming a core group of people who want the best for others and will do everything in their power to help.

When I remind myself of the work I do, the goals I have, and the people I'm meeting, I remember that I'm ok. I miss my family. I miss my close friends. But at the same time, if I got up tomorrow and moved home to Indiana, nothing would be the same. I wouldn't be in the place I am now in this community that I'm starting to love. Being a part of my community here gets more important to me every day. For me, that's what life is all about: finding your niche where you see yourself growing and contributing. I have friends here. One of my BFFs is an hour away. I have family here, too. Is it the same as my college life? Of course not, but if it was, I wouldn't be doing half the things I'm doing now. But because of my family and friends, I'm doing things I couldn't do without their support.

Speaking of which, I was offered my first paid writing position. I'll be an independent contractor for a women's news magazine. My first article hasn't been published yet, but was loved by the article's subject. I'm looking forward to what's coming with this opportunity!

So I'm meeting people. Opportunities are around every corner. And I was able to spend nearly a whole week with two people who know me so well, they wouldn't let me get away with whining about my shoe getting stuck in front of a deck full of people.

I think it's safe to say I'm getting used to being a grown-up. And I think I like it.

Long time no blog.

So, nearly two months since my last post. Sorry.

My last post mentioned a training conference that went very well. I had a blast and was so happy I went. It reenergized me for my job and gave me new confidence.

Fast forward to Christmas 2008. I spent a lovely 4 days with my family. My sister got a Wii for Christmas, so we made like our 10-year-old selves and stayed in pjs all day to play video games. My 22-year-old self loved it. My sister and I needed some bonding time, so being home with her was great. We watched movies with Mom and Dad. And of course provided more noise than that house has seen in months.

New Year's Eve/New Year's Day 2008/9: Great food, great wine, great friends. In fact, a little too much great wine. We played Circle of Death/King's/whatever you called it in college. This resulted in a silly hostess (me). But we had a lot of fun!

January 2, 2009: I signed for my first grown-up apartment! Yep, I'll be staying put until at least March 2010. I found the place via a friend of mine. It's a young community with pools, a nice clubhouse, etc. Perfect for a young single lady.

January 17-20, 2009: Mom comes for the move. Thank. God. I don't know what I would've done without her. We had a lot of fun and I'm so grateful she came. There would still be unpacked boxes had she not been there while I was at work. And picture this: Meredith and Darlene manuevering a giant U-Haul. Yep, it's ok to smile and laugh to yourself. We sure did!

And I just got a call from Daddy, who is in town for a conference. I'll update more about work and stuff this week!

Hope everyone is well! :)

PURdone.

Homecoming at Purdue was a blast. I got to see all my favorite people. I drank Corona with my parents at my favorite bar, only to return a few hours later with my friends. I visited my college job where I recognized about 4 people. I ate, I drank, I was merry.

One of my favorite traditions last year was Breakfast Club. Anyone unfamiliar with Purdue who reads this (which I would imagine is not many): Breakfast Club means the students and sometimes alumni dress up in a costume and line up at 6am waiting for the bars to open at 7am on all home-game-Saturdays. Cheap screwdrivers are the way to drink and it's always super busy. My friends and I were dedicated Breakfast Club members last year and thought we could pull it off this year. After many a round bought and drank the night before though, 6am came too soon. I'm pretty sure we were still feeling some spirited beverages when I was awakened by a phone call asking where we were. I went around the house I was staying at, asking who wanted to get up and go. It turned out we all thought someone else had set an alarm, so we all figured someone would wake us up. Once this was realized, I said, ok, back to bed it is! I woke up again around 10:30, just in time to not feel sick for sitting through the game with my parents.

As far as the game goes: I froze in the stands to watch Purdue basically do nothing the whole time. It was a little depressing, but the marching band is always fun. I know, it sounds lame, but seriously. Sometimes between the band and watching Purdue Pete, they are more entertaining than the actual game.

After going out Friday night and Saturday night, I'm proud to say I didn't feel any consequences from beer. I think it's safe to say I've learned a thing or two since college. :)

It was wonderful seeing the loves of my life, including both family and friends. My sister and I got to spend some quality couch-time, which we loved to do in our old apartment. The only good-weather day was Sunday, and it was the most perfect fall day. Sweatshirt needed, but plenty of warm sunshine. However, I was happy to be able to return to my now-real-life to get cracking at work in the Sunshine State where it was 80-degrees when I got off the plane.

Well, I was happy for about 5 minutes until I found out I absolutely have to get my Florida driver's license first thing tomorrow and I won't be getting paid until mid-November. Then I got home to find my first Sprint bill (of course, due before I actually get paid). I guess real life doesn't take a break when you do, huh?