...and the World Spins Madly On.

These last few weeks have been a blur. School keeps plugging away - I cut hair, I color hair, I make people happy, I go home, make dinner, go to the gym, go to bed, then get up and do it all over again. 


This industry is interesting. If I wanted to be a rockstar stylist and be famous someday (and probably if I was 18 again), I'd be content with what's expected after you take your boards for cosmetology. What's expected is this: apprentice under someone for 1-2 years making minimum wage, folding towels, cleaning up after them, and not touching hair. But I tend to veer off the beaten path and pursue things my peers wouldn't think of. Thank goodness, in this case. Just starting to make a decent living at the age of 30 sounds horrific. I don't expect to have everything, but I expect to be able to pay my bills between now and then. So there's that. 


Then there's him. He graduates in June, too. His career track could take him anywhere. Also with the fear of barely having a paycheck for awhile. Mine is flexible too, but a steady paycheck could be more likely (but who knows these days). So where does that leave us? 


Coming to grips with what both of you are trying to accomplish is hard. All of a sudden the thought of living in my parents' basement together seems way better than living 1,000 apart. So what will we do? The answer is I don't know. Do I wait to see where he might work? Does he wait to see where I might work? Do we actually have the luxury to be unemployed for the time it takes to figure those things out? (That is answer is definitely a No.) 


Living together has been great. Seriously. There have been arguements, moments when we're sick of each other, and every day has been a learning experience. I didn't realize until now that this life could change pretty drastically this summer. Every once in awhile we talk about marriage. Obviously we are very committed already so what's the rush? I came to the conclusion that I like to talk about it because I feel like it gives us something to look forward to. We are a sure thing and nothing else in our future feels that way, so why not talk about the excitement of a prospective wedding and marriage? Guess what I also finally realized: getting married won't make job hunting any easier. Getting married won't mean we suddenly have the luxury to do whatever we want. Having a ring on my finger won't pay the bills. In fact, it will lead to more bills. That just sucked the fun out of that, huh? 


I'm the type of person that is always positive. I trust that everything will work out. But some days, like today, I let reality pull me in and scare the shit out of me. And the reality is this: we have no clue what's going to happen after June. And while that's exciting most of the time, today it sucks. 


Tomorrow I'll get up and my routine will start again. I'll put a smile on my face and keep moving forward because that's what I do: I keep pushing. I keep hoping for the best. So may tomorrow be filled with hope once again.

Sorry Summer

In May I moved in with my love (and his roommate) downtown. My credit card was under control. We made a list of all the things we wanted to take advantage of in our fair city. Then I got fired. I went home to Indiana for a week. We did some things here and there. I cleaned a lot. I made the decision to go to cosmetology school. I started July 26th. One week in, I got a high fever that lasted for 12 days. Turns out I probably have mono. One more week of rest and I'll be tiredly making my way back to school. But having that one week of my own things outside the house, and then having it 'taken away' for another 3 weeks put me over the edge. 

After crying and yelling for the last 3 months about how life isn't fair and how I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me and how living with 2 dudes is less than stellar, he finally told me that he wouldn't complain with me. That I've complained about the same things all summer, but he wouldn't join me in my pity party. I didn't even realize I was throwing one.

I've apologized a lot this summer. All my frustrations have been taken out on the person who loves me no matter what, which is what happens when you live in close quarters. And after I yell and cry, I apologize for being a basket case. But it never occurred to me that my usually sunny disposition has had a dark cloud over it since the beginning of June. 

So how did I spend my summer, really? Did I have fun? Sure. But did I spend the majority of it feeling like a total loser who didn't deserve any fun? You bet. Did you know you can like where you live, and then after 3 months of being cooped up, absolutely hate it? I mean, what did our apartment ever do to me, except give me a roof over my head? I even sunk so low as to start blaming other people for my lack of having a life.

I'm a firm believer in being in charge of your own life - you can make the best of any situation. This summer, I didn't. I tried. I put on a smile. But underneath I just angrier and angrier. And then getting sick, to the point of not even being able to do anything, was the icing on the cake. 

Now that I realize how crabby I've been at home, I think it's time for an attitude adjustment. I think it's time to be ok with splurging on a yoga class or a facial, or new shoes. Not every week, but treating myself to things I enjoy is ok. I'm always encouraging others to treat themselves well and to take care of themselves. The bottom line is that I haven't taken care of me the way I need to be taken care of. How bad does that suck when you realize it's you, and not the world making you miserable? 

Unfortunately I wasted a summer being angry and sad (with a recurring dream about my old job, that couldn't have helped). But it's time to seek out the things I've wanted to take advantage of in this city that make me happy. No one else can do that for me. 

And I'm tired of apologizing. So perhaps instead of letting all my stress out on the person who truly makes me happy every day, maybe I'll take my stress out in a yoga class or jog session throughout the week. I know relationships have their ups and downs, and we'll have more. But I need to remember to take care of myself the way I love to take care of the other person. 

We're going to Boston this weekend to see my college friends get married. We're staying at a b&b near the Mayflower in Plymouth. We're looking forward to relaxing, the ocean, good food, and good friends. And lobster. :) 

Here's to end of summer smiles and less sorries.

Wake-Up Call.

I've made some not-great decisions in my lifetime. It's to be expected as a human. Camo-jeans, frat parties, waiting until the last minute to study for a test, or choosing to purchase Ray Ban sunglasses instead of saving money for groceries: all of these are a sampling of the silly things I've done as a young adult (except the jeans, those were 6th grade). And I'm here to admit today that I've driven after having a drink or two. We're talking alcoholic beverages. And yes, there have been a couple instances whenI had no business getting behind the wheel, but did it anyway. These were only a couple instances, but still inexcusable. Before you start judging, my guess is that you or someone you know has done the exact same thing. I'm not telling you this so that you can tell me how dumb I've been because I know. In fact, I knew immediately afterward how stupid it was. I'm telling you this because I now am fully aware of the potential consequences for these actions.

With that being said, I'm here to tell you that drinking and driving will no longer be even close to an option for this girl. Not even 1 drink (which supposedly increases your chances of a car accident by up to 50%).

A 16-year-old girl was killed in Santa Fe last weekend, along with three of her friends, due to a drunk driver crashing into them. Four out of the five people in her car were killed instantly, including her, and the driver of their car is barely alive. The driver of the other vehicle walked away. He also has a DWI on his record already.

The girl I'm referring to is the daughter of a great family I grew up with in Illinois. I held her when she was born (July 4th, today is her birthday). All of us kids played when our moms wanted to get together. We visited them when they moved to New Mexico. We saw her mom last year when she came for a visit.

The news of this tragedy immediately brought shock. I couldn't speak. And when I did speak, it was pretty much me cursing like a sailor. Then the tears came. I couldn't be in my apartment alone and everyone I talked to that night and the next day could barely understand this story because I was talking through tears.

Typically I don't like to share this much emotion via the Internet, but I think this deserves attention. Even though I've made some really unfortunate decisions, I'm ok. I haven't hurt anyone else. This guy's decision took 4 lives in a matter of minutes. Am I lucky that it's never happened to me? Maybe. Or there's a guardian angel giving me X amount of chances to be stupid. Either way, this was my wake up call this week. It's been an emotional roller coaster and I thank my friends for dealing with my instability.

Expressing emotion through writing is an avenue I thought I'd take to try to deal with this. So, I figured sharing her story with you would help me overcome my sadness and grief while maybe providing you readers some insight into what happens when you make stupid decisions.

Can I do anything about the decisions I've made? No. Can I change how I act in the future? I plan to.



And click here for the article.

We were lucky to have known you and will never forget you. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family.