Untying the Knots

Yesterday was my massage day. I haven't had a massage in years, but Mr. L treated me for my birthday and I couldn't think of a better time to use it.

My job was pretty stressful most of the time - always number-crunching, always finding new leads, always have to be on top of your game. I basically didn't sleep on Sunday nights in anticipation of the upcoming week (and probably dreading 7am meetings every Monday). So when the massage therapist asked if there was anything in particular I wanted her to work on, I told her that I was sure I was carrying a lot of stress in my back. And boy was I right.

Did you know that in between your shoulder blades you can acquire the biggest knots ever? I didn't. It was painful, but the kind of pain you have to get through to get some relief.

As I walked home, feeling noodle-like and completely relaxed, I couldn't help but think that the tension she worked out of my back has probably been building for months. I know I haven't been taking care of my body like I should, especially in the last 8-9 weeks. Mr. L and I were good about workouts after the first of the year, but once March hit, things shifted and I became more focused on my stressful job. That means no yoga, no jogging, basically nothing except the occasional walk in the last couple of months.

I'm not here to blame my job for my knotted back. But I think I've realized that if a job, relationship, commute, overall schedule is a constant stressful situation, is it really worth it? Obviously you have to make time for yourself, whether it's a quiet moment in the morning while you drink your coffee, or hitting the gym for a yoga class a few days a week. But when other factors in your life don't let up for months at a time and end up distracting you from taking care of yourself, sometimes those other factors have to change so you can lead the life you want. My newly-acquired time off is the reminder I needed to realize that I'm in charge of the amount of stress I have in my life. And taking time for myself isn't a crime - in fact, doing things I enjoy should be a daily requirement.

awake is the new sleep, so Wake Up.

I'm newly unemployed. 6 days in. 

I won't go into details here, mostly because it's not a great feeling to talk about and I don't like to air my dirty laundry on the internet (unless someone REALLY deserves it...well, no, I still wouldn't put it on the internet). 

I will tell you that I've been on a search for the next thing - whether it's a new job or education I've yet to determine. Now that I don't have a job tying up my days, when I'm not feeling sorry for myself (usually the morning, when everyone else is getting ready to serve a purpose for society that day) I'm allowing myself to take some time to figure out what's important to me. 

After college, we hear a lot about a "5 year plan". Some go as far to create a 10-year plan, but for most the 5-year looks a little something like: get job - maybe get married - stay with company to get promoted - buy house with new promotion money - have kids (if applicable). You get the picture. Everyone's is different, but very similar in the career department. 

So what happens when you bounce around careers and nothing happens? Maybe not nothing, but you feel like you're not making any headway? I'm 3 years in to my 5 year plan and I've yet to come close to any type of promotion, let alone save enough to get a house in the next couple of years. What happens when you realize that the path you've been on (or paths) has you led you to....nowhere?

I have some things in the works, but nothing definite. In fact, this is the first time since college I feel like I don't have a plan. And I'm relieved. Is it stressful being unemployed? The short answer is Yes. But here is my to-do list for the next couple of weeks: 

Get a massage. 

Get hair done. 

A couple of meetings for potential job leads. 

Write when I want. 

Indiana for a few days. 

Walk the city to learn the neighborhoods. 

Yoga. 

And of course, apply for jobs. 

I have rent money in the bank for next month, and I'm working on some babysitting gigs to hold me over for a little while. But I think focusing on the things that make me happy is also important. Don't get me wrong, my confidence is at an all-time low any given day. The recovery process will take some time, but sometimes we just need to allow ourselves to dive in and rediscover who we really are. I'm seizing this wake-up call as the opportunity I needed to find me again. 

This post's title is a Ben Lee song called "Whatever it Is."

One month.

My birthday is coming up in one month from today. As I turn 25, I can't help but recall that last year I made a goal to pay off my credit card debt and keep my shopping habits in check. Well I'm here to tell you that by May 24th, 2011, my credit card debt should be a thing of the past! 


After 12 long months, my credit card bill is finally under control. In one month, I will have the entire thing paid off. This is a big deal for me as I can't remember the last time I did not have a credit card payment. Once I started my new job, shopping became rare as I felt like I had less time and less interest in spending money on things I didn't necessarily need. I've made due with all the work clothes I have in my closet. The most I've purchased was a few basic 'going-out' pieces and a few work jackets from Nordstrom Rack - yep, I bargain-shopped, and lived to tell the tale. Best of all, my Nordstrom bill was $41, which will be paid in full when it comes. This may seem to be a small feat for some, but for this shopping snob, this was a huge step for me. I even turned down a $35 designer shirt because it cost more than everything else combined that I'd picked. I'll pat myself on the back for that one, thank you! 


One thing that made a huge impact for me was saving up for a move. I saved every penny I could over the last 6 weeks or so, and put my credit card on the back burner. I wanted to make sure I had enough money for a deposit and any other moving expenses, as well as any other expenses that might come up this summer. Last week I realized that my living expenses will not change much initially, so the money I'd saved wasn't necessary anymore. Had I not had my credit card to pay off, I would have just kept saving. Instead, I chose to take the huge chunk I'd saved and put it towards my credit card. This credit card payment was the biggest I've ever paid. The biggest lesson I learned over the last 6 weeks is that I am in control of my finances - if I want to save for something, I can do it. If I want to pay off my credit card, I can do it. And, I finally feel like I can start saving for big things (once the credit card is done). Paying off that huge chunk of my card was scary, don't get me wrong. But knowing that by June I can restart my nest egg made it worth it. Instead of feeling like it would take me all summer to pay off my credit card, I now look forward to paying for a vacation in August in cash AND having money set aside for whatever else might come along. That's a great feeling. 


I'm happy that I feel like my finances are stabilizing. I thought I'd be at a certain place in my life by the time I turned 25 (which I think I mentioned for my birthday last year). I'm happy to say that I think that place has been found. I feel in control of my finances, and therefore my life. What an awesome feeling. :)

School's Out Never

Remember when every few months your whole life changed? Ok, maybe not your whole life, but your day-to-day schedule changed. Whether you were in elementary school or college, each quarter/semester brought the promise of exciting new experiences. There was a distinct beginning and end. And there was also summer vacation to look forward to. 


In May it will be 3 years since I graduated from Purdue. I still miss the semester changes every few months. Even though I went to school year-round almost every year I was there, you could still look forward to a nice break in between changing up your class schedule. You got new books, new syllabi, new teachers, and in some instances, a new chance to something even better than last semester. I remember my first semester of senior year being the busiest semester I ever had - and my class schedule was really light for my entire last year at Purdue. But I was in charge of recruiting participants for a fundraiser, writing for a brand new publication, helping do the PR for said publication, and working up to 20 hours a week. With school. All on top of having as much fun as possible with friends on weekends (let's be honest, we had plenty of fun during the week, too). 


My job is great. I love the company and the work that I do - for the most part. It's different every day and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can see myself working with this company and moving up into whatever department I choose. But as I told Mr. L the other day, I feel like I'm getting a 6-month itch. A restlessness that feels school-related in that nothing major has changed in my day-to-day life. It's become routine, and when you're in school, as soon as something becomes routine it changes again. I told him that it doesn't mean I want to leave my job, whereas in the past that's what I felt I needed to do. But I feel like I need to mix things up a bit. Is this why people take time off - to relive the anticipation of summer break? Of course, the difference is now we look forward to having an extra day on the weekends versus 3 months of laying by the pool every day. 


In January and February I volunteered with J.A. again, which was great. I was happy when it was over because things at work were getting more hectic. Now that I feel like I'm getting back in the swing of things, I feel like I need that extra distraction. Something to detach from work completely a few hours a week, and running outside can only do so much. When I worked at J.A., I wrote on the side. It was like homework, but not every week. And I loved it - I was able to pursue other interests outside of work and I was commited to it. Maybe because I feel like my life is consisting of work, exercise, and sleep during the week, I also feel like I need more than that. Don't get me wrong, I have fun on the weekends and enjoy all my time with Mr. L. I get together with friends when I want to and go shopping to unwind, but it's usually money I don't necessarily want to spend. I think I miss being culturally involved with the city I live in, and writing about local happenings helped me stay in tune in other places I've lived. 


I'll be moving downtown in May (yay!), which is something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid. I'm so thankful that I'm in a place in my life where I can achieve the things I've always wanted. Mr. L and I are looking forward to a fun-filled summer together, which will help me feel a part of the bigger picture on a regular basis. So maybe pursuing a freelance writing gig will keep my creative juices flowing, while also keeping me busy the way I want to be. If I could handle writing papers, studying, writing articles, working, fundraising, and a social life in college, there's no reason I can't handle it now. I guess the busier I am, the happier I am.

2010 Reflections

As I was driving home from the city tonight, I was reflecting on my life this year. I know the year isn't quite over. There are probably plenty of things that could happen to me in the next 5 days before the new year starts. But, I still have things that I'd like to acknowledge. Some are things that you may already know about, some are things you may not. Either way, I think it's healthy to take a step back and look at what one has accomplished and learned. So here it goes: 


Living: I moved once this year (yahoo!). I like my neighborhood, me and the roommate are just as good if not better friends than when I moved in. I'd say that since I moved here, I eat a lot more Portillo's and yummy pizza than I should. 


Work: I'm on my 3rd job. I started at the salon, moved here to work retail, now am doing business development. I'm so happy I worked retail for the last year. Being a manager and working my way up in the fashion world was fun - but my personal life felt very lacking. Luckily, my great networking and sales skills landed me an interview for my current position. I started in September and am very much looking forward to what 2011 will bring. 


Financial: With a new job came a nice pay increase. Since I started in September, I now have 1/3 less debt than when I started. I'd like to pat myself on the back for that one. :) 


Health: My cholesterol was tested recently: 182 - yes! I told the nurse she was my favorite person. I also lost about 15 pounds over the course of the last year. I did it unintentionally - the joys of running around in 3-inch heels for 8 hours a day combined with having time to eat half a salad and a handful of pita chips for lunch. But I'll take it! 


Friends: One of my best friends had her first child in June, and I'm a happy Auntie Mer. It's so exciting seeing him growing up. One of my other bff's is expecting her first child in March. It's been great catching up with old friends, Purdue friends, and my roomie and I try to have fun whenever we can. I get to see so many of my favorite people on a regular basis - how lucky am I? 


Family: Seeing my family more regularly has been awesome. They live about 2 hours away, so I've been able to see them at least once a month. We had some loss this year - a cousin in Florida who was nothing but wonderful to me when I lived there. And one of our family dogs - any of you animal lovers will understand that it's like losing a family member. I saw my family a few days after, which was good to see them after the tough week they had at home. After living in Florida for a year, I'm grateful that I'm able to be driving distance instead of flying distance. 


Love: Yep, this will make the list for 2010. We'll call him Mr. L. We met at the end of May and we've enjoyed every moment since then. He's my partner and I can go to him with anything. I feel loved and laugh every day - both at him and with him. He supports me in ways I didn't think I needed anyone to, and I'm so happy he's become such an important part of my life.


Miscellaneous: As the year wraps up, I've been able to take part in a yoga class and I started volunteering with Junior Achievement again. My schedule now allows me to take a little bit of time for myself to help kids and do what I need to do to re-center. In fact, traveling to Boston and Naples would fall into that category. I visited friends in Boston. Mr. L and I went to FL for 5 days to soak up some sunshine before the holiday madness. So this is what it's like to feel like a normal human being, eh? 


I think that's basically my year in a nutshell. I have some things to be proud of, some things I may have done differently, but overall - I'd say 2010 was successful. Lots of learning, lots of love, and lots of fun - I wouldn't have it any other way.

10 months.

That's how long I have before my living situation could change. It could potentially run longer than that, but with roommate graduating from grad school and finding employment who knows where, I could very well need a new place to live in that time. And right now, I can't afford it. 


Sticking to a budget has proved to be difficult for me. But with the help of family and friends, I will be held accountable for any extraneous shopping I feel I should be able to do. I think I don't make enough money, but the reality is that I can pay my bills. Choosing to purchase X, Y, and Z for $100 each is my poor choice. So, instead of shopping, I'll be watching my credit card bill get smaller while my savings account gets bigger. 


How much more do I need anyway? I have plenty of shoes. My work wardrobe is taken care of. I always think I need new jeans, but I never wear jeans. "When have you seen me wear jeans?" - me to manfriend. His response: "Um....never." Exactly. I have dresses, sweatshirts, tshirts, and running shoes that are old, but fine since it's not like I run marathons. 


Working retail, you tell everyone every day that they NEED these new items - it's like nothing they've ever seen before! I love everything we sell at work and wish I could have it all. But why do I need it? It's time to start ignoring what I tell other people. Just because the stuff I have isn't the newest, doesn't mean it's not sufficient for what I need it to do. There's a lot to be said for living more simply. 


Yesterday I played kickball with manfriend and friends (pause for WTF?! moment. I actually enjoyed it and was not horrible at it). I didn't miss shopping one bit and I didn't even care that I was in a tshirt and basketball shorts in public. It was free, it was a beautiful day to be outside, and I met some new people who just like to have fun together. Those days of real human interaction seem so few and far between for me. It was nice to just worry about who's turn it was to kick instead of worrying about what people thought of my outfit. 


I think of myself as a material girl, but maybe material girls need a break from their material world sometimes too. And if breaking from that materialism will get me what I want (a place downtown no matter how tiny) in 10 months, that seems worth it to me.

The Land of Opportunity

What happens when opportunity knocks at the door you're not you want to open?

I have the best problem to have: potential new jobs while having a job. And the job I have, I like it for the most part. The honeymoon period is over and the last few weeks have really tested me, but I like the basic job function and the people I work with. I feel like I'm coming to a sort of crossroads in my career (whatever it is I think I'm doing). Do I want to stay in the industry I have a love/hate relationship with, or do I venture back home to try something that may or may not lead to bigger and better later?

Financially, especially long-term, I would probably be better off leaving. At this point that's the only thing that sounds like a good enough reason to pick up and go (again). The problem is that I'm getting some resemblance of a life here. Plans every week with different people, roommate shenanigans, enjoying days off in the city, a new boo (yes, but that's all you get for now). My point is that my network of Chicagoans is growing and I don't know if I'm ready to leave them. As much as my schedule is not 9-5, having a day off during the week means I can get downtown and relax while everyone else is at work. Working evenings til 9pm means I'm not sitting in front of the TV and I still get home by 10 at the latest. And Saturdays in retail fly by when you're working. It is now weird to me when I have a Saturday off. I never thought that would happen.

Yes, vacation time is tricky and I still get phone calls from the store on my days off. But the calls are fewer now and I trust they'll keep dwindling. And the reality is that I make my own schedule. If I want to take a long weekend, it's easier to just schedule it in so I don't have to take vacation time. That kinda rocks.

Say I left for something a little more "normal": i.e. regular Monday through Friday, flexible vacation time, weekends off. This opportunity is not in Chicago, so does that mean I spend every weekend in the city? Driving two hours every once in awhile is not a big deal, but every weekend? That could get old real quick. Would the money be worth being away from my new network of peeps I'm growing accustomed to? Sure, a few friends are back home and family is obviously there. But I can't help but remember that living there, all I wanted was to be here. Now that I'm living here, I don't have the same yearning to live there.

While I think it's important to love what you do 40 hours a week, I also think it's important to love where you're living. If I'm not hating what I'm doing, maybe my love for Chicago will trump whatever comes up elsewhere.